• Example 1: (in reference to mandatory drug testing to recieve government assistance in Florida)You need to work to earn the right to hit the bong like the rest of us.
  • Example 2: I think they put shrooms in my squash.
  • Example 3: Can you show me how to send an email?
  • Example 4: You're not a drunk if you're good at it.
  • Example 5: Padma from Chopped? I want to step on her face.
  • Example 6: If a monkey wearing an orange shirt made me a sloppy sandwich, my heart would stop from rage.
QuestionHow can I read your blog if you don't update it? ;) Answer

I imagine that my outdated posts are still legible (unless you’ve suffered some sort of language-related amnesia, and the fact that your question was phrased in English seems to indicate to me that you did not). So, to answer your question, you might attempt to go about reading my blog the same way you did when the posts were new. I believe reading old words and new words works the same way. ;) 

becausejessicawhined:

 

Snarky:  Can we call ourselves the lake pirates?

Karma:  Aye.

Snarky:  I think it should be like a snooty book club or a salon or something.

Karma:  Can we still try and speak like pirates?  And serve macarrrrroni? (pause.)  I think I need a vacation.

Snarky:  I think you do too.  It’s still warm in AA.

[A significant amount of time passes]

Karma:  It took me all of this time to realize you meant Ann Arbor and not Alcoholics Anonymous.  I would’ve never had this problem on a houseboat.

  • Karma: I just saw a house boat for sale out on Lake Union in Seattle and thought, "that's a brilliant idea." I'm afraid this may be indicative of a quarter life crisis. Please help.
  • Snarky: We could get into so much trouble on a house boat. I can see C head shaking disapprovingly at our antics... why don't we have a house boat?
  • Karma: Why hasn't this thought occurred to us before?! I feel like you, me, C and V on a house boat would be the best reality television show ever.
  • Snarky: Agreed. It's C's worst nightmare.The 3 of us (likely drunk) on the water.
  • Karma: Best. Life. Ever. And I thought I wanted an education... I could've saved my parents a lot of money by letting them know I wanted to be a lake pirate.

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QuestionWHERE WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO VISIT ON YOUR PLANET? Answer

Today? Paris, France.

Today I recieved a 13 week review at work. During said review, my boss informed me that I do an “average job” of building internal relationships.

I disagree.

So, I’m dedicating this blog to weird things about my co-workers that I would have never discovered in the course of average-relationship-building-type conversations. Obviously I won’t be using any real names and will instead refer to my co-workers as Simba, Scenario, Buckeye, Ninja, and Giggles.

Simba:

  • Simba actually owns a Lexus, but is afraid to drive it to/for work because they are afraid that someone will judge them.
  • Simba once had an epiphany to a Stain’d song in a strip club.
  • Simba’s favorite word is f*ck. C*nt is a close second.
  • Simba once managed a Zoolander (If you don’t know what that means, you’re better off).

Scenario

  • Scenario legitimately dislikes humans as a race. And I don’t mean that in the silly way that Snarky and I say “Ugh, I hate people.”
  • Scenario is seeing someone that they refer to only as “DSG” while in the office. Their real name is Micaela.
  • Scenario once found a dead muskrat in a box of lettuce.
  • Scenario appears as though they’re constantly ignoring, Buckeye. In reality, Scenario can’t actually hear Buckeye. Scenario is almost legally deaf.

Buckeye

  • Buckeye has two dogs living with her that belong to their ex-fiance. They’re lhasa apsos (sp?).
  • Buckeye prefers futons to couches.
  • Buckeye frequents Chik-Fil-A so often that they send them cupons for milkshakes directly to her phone. They prefers the Cookies’N’Cream flavor.
  • Buckeye’s charity of choice supports research for MS.

Ninja

  • Ninja legitmately despises monkeys. To the point where they would destroy them all if the could.
  • The only thing that Ninja hates more than monkeys is a sloppy sandwich. If Ninja picks up a sandwich and it “bottoms out” their entire day is ruined.
  • When Ninja travels out of the country their family has serious concerns about whether or not they’ll see them again.
  • Ninja likes to pretend he’s a badass - but they’re actually very soft and still suffering from a broken heart.

Giggles

  • Giggles has never met a stranger. Ever.
  • Giggles has recently cultivated an obsession with “hot yoga.”
  • Giggles claims that they moved to Charleston for the work opportunity, and to get away from home. In reality, they moved for a significant other.
  • Giggles surprised their mother with a yellow lab for Christmas 2 years ago, and still hasn’t heard the end of it.

So there. Have I proved that I’ve been listening yet?

Today it was brought to my attention, by none other than my snarky Ann Arbor counterpart, that I’m impossibly fixated on instant gratification. I found myself whining on the phone about how I don’t like to make toast because the toaster takes too long. That’s how pathetic I am.

So the question that statement begs is, “Okay, so what?” I just felt like it should be mentioned because it applies directly to my relationship to this blog. You see, I love the way it feels when I complete a post. Like I’ve accomplished something. Like my BFA in creative writing might not have been a total waste. (Who am I kidding?) That being said, I’m not really notorious for my gumption. And I’ll probably never get into the habit of “being a good updater.”

So instead of an intuitive and intellectual post on the state of my life (which would be really depressing anyway), I give you this:

Things (That Are Less Gratifying But Infinitely More Efortless) That I Am Likely Doing Instead of Updating This Blog (Much to Gabby and CJ’s Dismay):
1. Talking at my dog. Mostly because he’s the only male in my life that doesn’t talk back. It’s my favorite thing about him.
2. Laying on the couch contemplating the merits of working out, but not really going to the gym.
3. Looking at the number of voicemails that my phone has collected that I haven’t checked. It’s 9 right now, in case you were wondering.
4. Playing Crash Bandicoot 2: Cortex Strikes Back because I’m awesome.
5. Reading a Harry Potter book.
6. Looking at real estate in Seattle. Yes, I understand that I live in Charleston, but a girl can dream, can’t she?
7. Standing in front of my pantry for a 15 solid minutes before deciding that I’m not that hungry anyway.
8. Stalking my Facebook friends. And I don’t mean casually creeping through your pictures. My job has made me really creepy. Give me a name and I’ll give you more information than you ever knew was available on the internet.
9. Contemplating why men do the the idiotic things that they do, though I know full well that I will never have an answer because not even men know why they’re so dumb.
10. Thinking about how much I don’t want to get up early the next morning… no matter what time of day it is.

On a more serious note, today I did become a member of the Lukemia and Lymphoma Society’s Team In Training, so over the next 5 months I’ll be working to raise $3000 before I jet down to Walt Disney World in Januray to run a total of 39.3 miles in a single weekend. If you’d like to learn more about LLS and donate to help me reach my goals (even just a buck or 2), you can do so here:


http://pages.teamintraining.org/sc/wdw12/JackieO

Every penny counts!

After some strong arming from friends and family, I’ve finally given in to starting another one of these blog things. Whilst I remain convinced that I am, in fact, exceptionally boring, some seem to think I have a knack in attracting the weird, and delight in my horribly awkward and incredibly unfortunate circumstances.

For those people who laughed every time I had too much to drink and told an excruciatingly embarassing story, I give you this:

"This is Why I Can’t Have Nice Things: Confessions of a Former Trainwreck"

Mostly I’ll just update sporadically, pending an amusing event in my life. Tomorrow I may even entertain with the story of “World’s Worst Date” from last week. But now, since I’m a “Former Trainwreck,” forced to live only vicariously through her collegiate alcoholic friends, I must go to bed.

5 a.m. in the corporate office comes awfully early. (That’s right, I am the future of the corportate world. Be frightened, friends.)